ISIS has taken responsibility for the actions of a 39-year-old refugee who was arrested on six counts of sexual assault that took place at West Edmonton Mall’s waterpark on Feb. 4.
An online communique from ISIS claimed that the terrorist group had planted Soleiman Hajj Soleiman as an individual to recruit girls under 16 years old once he was set up in Edmonton.
“Silly infidels, it was not the intent of our operative to have sex with those women,” said ISIS spokesman Jerry Jihadi Jerry.
“Do you not realize that he had to use those sexual gestures to explain the wonderful career opportunities available to them once they join the ranks of the world’s greatest terrorist group? Obviously there was a lot of miscommunication between our operative and your local police. We demand he be released immediately, so he can be of benefit to ISIS and our plans to destroy you all.”
While ISIS did not state whether their recruiting program was in need of an overhaul given the slipup that led to the man’s arrest, a spokesperson for West Edmonton Mall tried to downplay the incident.
“You should realize that sexual assaults occur all the time at the waterpark,” she said. “I mean, it was only a matter of time before an arrested perpetrator was going to be a non-white offender or even a Syrian refugee, instead of those eastern Europeans we usually catch masturbating in the locker rooms. So what’s the big deal?”