Canadian Security Intelligence Service announced Wednesday that an operation by international terrorist organization ISIS to infiltrate Fort Saskatchewan has gone terribly wrong.
Online traffic intercepted by CSIS has revealed that the chatter over a mission, which they dubbed “Operation Saskatchewan,” has resulted in several terrorists getting killed and others aimlessly wandering the prairies in search of Fort Saskatchewan, located 37 km northeast of Edmonton.
“It turns out that ISIS is having a problem conveying to their operatives the meaning of the word Saskatchewan in terms of its relevance to the mission,” noted one translator.
Apparently, Saskatchewan is Arabic for “The prophet releases flatulence in melodic splendor while wearing velvet pants.”
CSIS is following up on leads concerning hospitals reporting an influx of men in balaclavas showing up in colonoscopy clinics, as well as textile merchants experiencing an unprecedented influx of sales of velvet fabrics.
The agency added that some of the terrorists have managed to determine that Saskatchewan was in fact a location, albeit with tragic consequences. One group of terrorists was hit by a snowplow on a highway just outside North Battleford, Sask., one province away from their intended location.
Others managed to narrow down their search to the North Saskatchewan River. One group near Rocky Mountain House drowned after falling through the ice as a result of a giant bonfire they created to keep warm. Another group that followed additional streams northeast of where the river ends wound up getting eaten by garbage-scavenging polar bears near Churchill, Man.
Meanwhile, Canadian Armed Forces are guarding strategic points in Fort Saskatchewan, should any ISIS operatives manage to reach the city.
“We’re on high alert, but from the looks of it, I doubt we’ll have any problems,” said one anonymous soldier.
“However, if anyone sees anything suspicious, some of us are camped out in the parking lot of the Tim Hortons by the Dow Centennial Centre. We’ll buy you a coffee and look into it.”