With the Kinder-Morgan and Keystone XL pipelines now closer to reality, oil companies are now setting their sights on getting rid of those pesky hippies and eco-warriors who have been protesting the projects.

Wikileaks released a voluminous series of emails to The Deadmonton Dirtbag concerning a plot to abduct and eliminate those activists and transporting their bodies via the pipelines to tidewater. The emails identified a stunning array of executives from a vast number of corporations, including Trans Mountain Pipeline, Cenovus, Canadian Oil Sands Ltd., Suncor and Husky.

Several emails revealed chilling details of how this plot would be executed. Unemployed oil workers would be contracted to seek out and shoot prominent anti-oilsands protesters (and “other hippies with nothing else to do except collect welfare”), then stuffing their bodies in the pipelines, allowing for the flow of crude oil and bitumen to whisk their bodies to the Pacific Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico.

Proponents seemed to justify the plot in that was their way of contributing to a new dynamic in ecological balance.

“Seriously, when you consider we’re part of the food chain, it makes sense that we use our own kind to provide foods for killer whales and other marine carnivores in those waters,” indicated one email.

“I doubt even the Alberta NDP would have an issue with this, since they’ve lost that hardcore-left, anti-oilsands reprobate bloc with their endorsement of these pipelines.”

Others reflected concern over logistics.

“We might have to consider expanding the diameter of those pipes, especially when it comes to transporting those obese, plaid-wearing lesbians,” said one executive in an email. “I mean, really, that’ll be tougher than ranchers moving cows to market!”

When contacted by The Deadmonton Dirtbag, none of the email participants was available for comment.

 

 

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