Rural Albertans are petitioning the provincial government to allow bars to bring back dwarf-tossing, an activity that’s illegal under the Gaming and Liquor Act.

Proponents of the petition cite general boredom among rednecks, who claim they need an outlet to vent their frustrations over the NDP government.

“I’m getting really pissed off over that Nutley bitch,” lamented one unemployed oil worker in Redwater, Alta., who feels Premier Rachel Notley is spearheading a mandate to eliminate leisure activities associated with rednecks.

“I mean, look at that golf course that had to take down that Notley sign after her socialist following complained about golfers trying to hit that sucker with shots from their three-irons. And we’re running out of NDP election signs to shoot at in the country. They’re so riddled with buckshot, you can’t recognize them anymore.”

Subjects interviewed for this story indicated that options are limited for rednecks hot under the collar. One farmer near Vermilion declared that Muslims are next to non-existent in his area, which makes a lynching of people in that ethnicity impossible to undertake. A mechanic from Eckville, Alta. stated that a mass exodus of gays from rural areas to more urban settings has made it tougher for rednecks to find LGBTQ individuals for “homo-hazing,” another popular activity.

With these time-honoured pastimes dwindling, beef ranchers in particular are resorting to performing bestiality on their prized stock, with near-tragic consequences. Rural hospitals are flooded with cases of people nearly being kicked to death by reluctant bovines, while others have suffered broken legs falling off ladders when trying to perform sexual acts on their cows.

Dwarf-tossing, an activity once-popular in Alberta bars, entices participants to fling a little person across a room. A contestant who throw the person the farthest is declared the winner. The Alberta Gaming and Liquor Commission forbids a licensed establishment from facilitating such contests, calling them “entertainment or games which are degrading or dehumanizing, or which anyone involved or watching to be distressed, distressed or concerned for their safety.”

But thanks to movies like The Wolf of Wall Street, which spurred on bars in Windsor, Detroit and parts of Florida to bring back the activity, some politicians believe the timing to overturn the legislation is perfect, given the downturn of the provincial economy.

“We really think this could turn things around for rural Albertans,” said a spokesperson for Olds-Didsbury MLA and Wildrose party member Nathan Cooper. “Hard-working Albertans need something to take their minds off the current socialist climate and this is a great economic driver for bars in the countryside.”

Added one redneck supporter, “Now that’s what I call looking out for the little guy!”

 

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