Following in the footsteps of pampered celebrities like Jane Fonda, Neil Young and James Cameron, Lindsay Lohan announced on Tuesday that she would pay a visit to Fort McMurray to see for herself the damage the oilsands projects inflict on the environment.
Lohan admitted she was reluctant to visit the northern Alberta city, until she was persuaded by Greenpeace, who also offered the unemployed actress a free shopping spree at West Edmonton Mall as an incentive.
“I mean, like, you know, when you mention oilsands, my first reaction was ewwww!!!” said Lohan. “Like, even the name itself sounds so yucky! Then, someone from Greenpeace said they were actually called tar sands, and that’s when I threw up!”
The residents of Fort McMurray have not taken kindly to another celebrity visiting the city, already ravaged by a tanking economy and still recovering from a forest fire in 2016. A representative for Fort McMurray mayor Melissa Blake commented that the presence of Lohan, whose drug addled-past has been tabloid fodder for years, will further degrade the city’s reputation.
“We’ve already been invaded by a slew of has-beens like Fonda,” said the spokesperson. “I mean, is Fort McMurray going to start a tourist industry on the basis of being a choice destination for Hollywood wash-ups? I think not!”
The official added there are hardly any accommodations for stars, even Lohan, who’s frequent attempts at a comeback have become epic fails. However, it was suggested there is one activity in Fort McMurray that might keep her occupied.
“Lohan claims that she’s been clean from doing drugs for a while now. Well, we have no shortage of meth dealers here who would love to put that assertion to the test.”