The bare facts are just starting to peel away and reveal the naked truth surrounding rumours that Edmonton City Council will approve the establishment of a nude beach by the pond in Hawrelak Park.
News regarding the beach has been met with titillation and cheekiness as well as outright anger.
In particular, nudists are excited over the possibilities of the unfettered attraction, which may become a reality by 2018. “I’m ecstatic about being able to get an all-over tan in a more wide-open environment!” said one optimistic sun worshiper. “I’m tired of having to find a strategic spot in my backyard to free up my guns, without my neighbour leering through his second-floor bedroom window!”
While morality mavens have responded in rage, declaring Edmonton should decide on a name change to either Sodom or Gomorrah, others felt that the nude beach will quickly turn into an eyesore, especially if physically unattractive patrons doff their duds.
“We’ll be the only inland city on the planet to have a herd of beached whales to deal with,” said one naysayer. “My head and my eyes are hurting at the very visual image of that catastrophe.”
For years, City Council has mulled over the idea of adding a beach to the park, but found the prospect too costly. Enter Jamaica-based nude resort Hedonism II, which offered to subsidize the nude beach in exchange for marketing itself to participants looking for a sunnier climate to drop trou during the winter, when the Hawrelak beach would be closed.
“We get a lot of people from Edmonton down here,” said a publicist for Hedonism II. “And the fact that they choose to bare all down here shows they’re from a city with nothing to hide, which made negotiations that much easier. For all involved, it’s win-win!”
None of the advocates doubted that the nude beach would turn into an oglefest.
“When you strip it all down, there really won’t be much to see, compared to what you can find online,” said one nudist. “I doubt any pervs would abandon Pornhub to leave their mommy’s basement to check out what’s at the park.”
Despite concerns by some folks over public safety at the proposed nude beach, proponents of the idea suggested that it would be self-policing, similar to an enforcement model that’s being implemented at Wreck Beach in Vancouver.
“There’s no violence at Wreck Beach and it’s because of the nudity,” said one supporter. “It especially nullifies any chances of guys fighting over a woman. All they have to do is look at the size of each other’s members and that alone prevents that situation from getting worse.”