Another mad cow outbreak in central Alberta is being linked to the socialist ideology of the NDP-led provincial government, claim opposition members who in turn are mad as hell about the incident.
“This will be far more devastating than the mad cow disease that just about killed the beef industry in 2003,” declared Wildrose party member and Rimbey Rocky Mountain House Sundre MLA Jason Nixon. “What we’re seeing right now is a lot worse. Nobody’s safe from what is more than an outbreak, but an uprising.”
So far, no areas near Edmonton has reported any incidents. However, elsewhere, several reports cite instances of bovines behaving badly and totally beyond the control of ranchers. Many of the four-hooved reprobates have taken to donning Che Guevara berets, vandalizing barns and tipping over tractors. More militant cows near Amber Valley have taken a page out of the Black Panthers terrorism handbook and have been heard bellowing Quotations from Moo.
In one shocking case, cows set up a roadblock by strategically defecating on a secondary highway near Eckville, creating a barricade. Children in one ambushed school bus were reportedly terrified at the cows that surrounded the vehicle and taunted them repeatedly.
Activities among these so-called “sleeper herds” have been escalating and hopes are apparently fleeting for any chance of a quashing of the quadrupeds. The Central Alberta Rodeo Association is looking at cancelling such events as calf roping and bullriding from their itineraries until the uprising is neutralized.
“It’s like something from George Orwell, but I can’t recall which book it was,” added David Schneider, Wildrose colleague and MLA for Little Bow. “And it’s because of all that dogma pouring out of the NDP offices. We know that ever since Rachel Notley became Premier, more Albertans are turning into vegetarians. I’m certain the cows got wind of that, which they believe reduces their chances of a slaughterhouse fate and that’s given them a new lease on life.”
NDP politicians representing rural ridings have been slow to respond to the Wildrose accusations about their complicity in a bovine rebellion. Peace River MLA Debbie Jabbour was laughing too hard to comment, although Sandra Janzen, who left the ranks of the Progressive Conservatives to join the NDP earlier this year was far more retaliatory in her reaction.
“It’s typical of anyone in opposition to blame the NDP for absolutely anything,” she said. “The treatment I got from the Tories was far less civil than any antics you’d expect from a cow.”
Other NDP MLAs blame annoying country music blaring across the foothills as the cause of the farm animal fracas. “You know, members of the Dick Damron fan club in Bentley, where Damron lives, is a particular source of the disturbances,” remarked one politician. “I mean, listening to that good ol’ boy stuff blaring from an F-150 is enough to drive anyone crazy.”
Nonetheless, the opposition plans to get bullish on stomping out what could be an udderly horrific uprising. “There’s a lot at steak here! We’re going to take stock of the situation and hammer away at this until the cows come home,” said Wildrose party leader Brian Jean. “That is, if they ever come home at all.”