A discovery of a set of bones in archaeological digs near Drumheller has led one University of Alberta scholar to create a study suggesting that the timeline of rednecks on the prairies extends well into prehistoric eras. Working on her Ph.D. in Arcane Studies, student Margaret Mesch claims the findings not only prove beyond a doubt that rednecks were not only the first humans, but will create negative implications surrounding the study of Homo sapiens.
Mesch was among a group of archaeologists who discovered the bones, which included a backbone and ribs crushed almost beyond recognition. After carefully rearranging the bones, the group discovered it was a creature of sorts in a crouching position with a huge dinosaur footprint on its back.
“We later deduced that this thing was actually defecating on some dinosaur eggs when it was crushed by something probably as large as a T-Rex,” said Mesch. “It didn’t appear that the dinosaur was keen on eating it, but rather wanted to stomp the hell out of it.”
They also discovered the being had a large skull but with a cranial cavity that could only house a tiny brain. Dubbing the species Homo dumbassus, Mesch felt there was a contemporary pattern to its structure. That’s when she stumbled across a database of ultra right-wing Alberta Wildrose political party supporters. After interviewing and studying many of the people on that database, Mesch made a startling discovery: the physiology of the subjects was a perfect match with the discovered set of bones, the skull in particular.
“You bet I was excited!” exclaimed Mesch. “But I was warned by a colleague that if word got out, the locals would probably riddle my body with buckshot.”
Already, the discovery has created a firestorm in the international scientific community. Many are upset that if carbon-14 testing on the bones is accurate, it could actually predate the existence of the first human, discovered by Louis Leakey during the 1960s in Africa’s Olduvai Gorge.
The Aboriginal community is also reportedly upset over the discovery that could challenge the notion that they were not the first occupants of North America after all. However, speaking on conditions of anonymity, several elders admit that there is a great deal of folklore surrounding rednecks when Aboriginal communities crossed over from Asia to this continent via the Bering Sea, back when it was dry land during the last Ice Age 12,000 years ago.
“We had a tough time making the prairies our home,” said one elder.
“There are legends surrounding our brave people having to contend with these backward-living humans who staged rowdy parties by ingesting fermented berries. They would stagger into our communities and either fall into our campfires or create pornographic stick-figure graffiti on the sides of our teepees.”
“Those idiots made it difficult for us to hunt, especially when they would try to sexually assault the calves in nearby buffalo herds, but would drive the animals into a state of rage,” added another elder. “Many of our ancestors were searching for buffalo, only to see dead humans scattered across the prairies with hoof prints indented in their heads and groin areas.”
Descendants of rednecks in central Alberta had mixed feelings over their connection with Homo dumbassus, however. “Damn right we were here first!” declared one drunken trucker in Stettler. “But don’t you dare lump us in with anything homo!”
What’s most astounding about the discovery and its relevance to the rednecks of today is that although they may be the first humans, there’s no evidence that any of them have actually evolved over time. However, Mesch has a theory on that.
“There’s a hypothesis floating around the scientific community that the lower the intelligence of a being, the greater the likelihood that same being has a higher instinct for survival,” she says.
“I think the current species of Alberta rednecks is living proof of that.”