Reactionary muckrakers Rebel Media has been on a crowdfunding tear of late ever since its Alberta bureau hack Sheila Gunn Reid was beaten up by her own camera at a Women’s Silly Hat March in Edmonton last January.
Staff at the online conservative propaganda provider have been complaining anonymously that its self-proclaimed Rebel commander Ezra Levant has been going overboard asking his gullible subscribers to fund questionable assets. So far, Rebel Media has been raking in cash to pay for expansion of its Toronto studio, bodyguards for its celebrity “reporters” and most recently, a private jet.
“As our Rebel following is aware, leftist extremists have been plotting terrorist strikes against our intrepid journalists, especially at political rallies,” wrote Levant in his latest crowdfunding appeal.
“We know these extremists are being supported by the liberal-dominated media as well as various federal and provincial leftist governments in an effort to destroy us. Therefore, to continue this fight, it’s absolutely paramount to provide our reporters the best security possible, from a private jet to limousine service to all of their assignments. We feel they deserve the highest levels of luxury possible , considering the dangers inherent in their endeavours.”
The drive is still in its infancy although Levant’s reportedly bilked his fans for as much as $20 million for the jet, with much of the funding coming from angry pensioners who haven’t been laid ever since John Diefenbaker was Prime Minister. There have also been a rapid influx of stories surrounding seniors declaring bankruptcy as a result of their overzealous generosity to support Levant’s campaign. One woman in Olds, Alta. reportedly gave away all of her life savings as well as pawned her walker and disability scooter for the cause.
“It really doesn’t matter,” assured the woman’s husband. “She doesn’t go anywhere anyway. All she does is park herself in front of the computer clicking her mouse for her daily Rebel fix. She does that even when the computer isn’t turned on.”
Levant has also embarked on a frenetic writing binge, publishing his own books declaring war on the left. His latest tome, Ethical Cleansing: The legal case for the extermination of all Canadian liberals, is at the top of the Amazon bestseller list, which will also provide additional funding for Rebel Media.
Then there are the reports of the massive buckets of money gathered by Rebel staff at their own rallies, whether they be against the Alberta carbon tax, immigration or the excessive use of the colour pink.
“I remember after one rally in Toronto, we booked a room at the Royal York Hotel for a party,” recalls one disgusted Rebel staffer. “That’s where Ezra pulled down his trousers and boxers, stuffed money up his butt and gleefully yelled out to his colleagues, ‘Look, everyone, I’m crapping out money!'”
The money they’ve collected is also allegedly going towards other dubious assets including:
- a 50-foot statue of Levant holding a decapitated head of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau by the hair
- a full liquor cabinet that doubles as a sliding door that leads to an underground bomb shelter
- a fully-equipped torture chamber designed to perform bondage, sadomasochism and other sexual practices on abducted liberal activists
However, much of the crowdfunding has been channeled towards compensating a number of losing causes, including libel cases that Levant has lost of late. Recently, Levant lost a copyright infringement case launched by the estate holding the rights to the instrumental classic “Dueling Banjos,” which Rebel Media used to start every rally it’s hosted.
“Hopefully, enough people will sue in order to knock Rebel Media down a few notches,” said one staffer who recently resigned from Levant’s enterprise. “Or at least make sure that damn jet doesn’t get off the ground.”