Just when things have finally started going right for Edmonton’s notorious Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight, along comes another rumour that threatens to move Edmonton’s beloved Oilers out of the city.
Prompted by a drunken remark by NHL President Gary Bettman, the team is considering relocating to Mexico City to take advantage of the miniscule Peso and a population of roughly 25 million.
“Edmonton’s a great hockey city,” slurred Bettman during his last visit to the city earlier this week. “But with not even a million people here, it’s a crappy hockey market. We know Mexico’s a pretty violent place, so it’s perfect for showcasing hockey!”
Bettman is renowned for his dislike of Canadian franchises in the NHL. Last year, the league head honcho was almost orgasmic in his delight that no Canadian team made the playoffs, saying that “Americans can’t stand watching sports where they’re forced to watch foreign frog teams.”
Meanwhile, the Oilers brass is considering the move as well as a moniker change involving such suggestions as the Mexico Machos or the Mexico Mariachis, or anything else warranting moronic alliteration.
The current team, which includes stars like Connor McDavid and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, will also disband its on-ice personnel to be split among other NHL franchises. The new Mexico City team would consist of players that reflect a Donald Trump stereotype of Mexicans, namely rapists and drug dealers.
“It won’t matter that those dumbass gringos wouldn’t be able to skate,” declared Bettman on his umpteenth glass of Scotch. “What matters is we need more blood on the ice to get the ratings up. If we paint the new Mexican team as villains, die-hard US patriots will be glued to the tube watching their finest pound the crap out of those Latino losers! USA! USA! USA!”
Oilers owner Darryl Katz is apparently warm to the idea, saying, “Hey, a billionaire’s gotta make a buck, right?”