If the Alberta NDP gets its way, it looks like The Little Red Schoolhouse will become Redder than ever.
Conveniently buried under the hubris of the provincial government’s massive boondoggle of a budget released on Friday was the plan to dedicate the bulk of education funds to a socialist residential school program designed to indoctrinate Alberta schoolchildren into adopting a more socialist ideology.
The project, dubbed SocRez, takes a page from its federal equivalent, which for more than a century tried to assimilate 150,000 Aboriginal schoolchildren in European culture. Although the system was rampant with child abuse and roughly 6,000 deaths, the Alberta program will allegedly be far more humane.
“Oh, for sure, we don’t have any plans to ruin their lives,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Education. “If anything, we want to protect them from the evils of reactionary patriarch-laden capitalism, which our opposition seems to encourage.”
Fearing that the NDP may lose any chance of capturing any rural ridings in the next election, slated for 2019, especially if a new conservative party is formed in the wake of a Unite the Right movement, SocRez plans to target countryside high school students with hopes that the younger demographic will follow the NDP by the time they come of age to vote.
Details are sketchy at this point, but so far the Deadmonton Dirtbag has uncovered parts of the SocRez strategy:
- Rural teens will be taken from their parents homes and reside at the schools where the classic uniform attire will consist of blends of pink and orange, the latter being the official colour of the Alberta NDP party
- All classrooms will remove photos of Canadian political dignitaries past and present and replace them with portraits of Marx, Lenin, Castro and Tommy Douglas
- Students, especially boys, will be forbidden from playing subversive metal, rap and other offending genres and will be limited to hearing works by Alberta songstresses like k.d. lang, Rae Spoon and Tegan & Sara
- All school meals will be entirely vegan and will begin with a Kumbaya-style singalong with such descants as “Lulu Loves Lentils” and “Vegans Don’t Have Stinky Poo”
- Sporting competitions will consist only of non-contact activities led by female team captains and officials following a no-score policy during games
- Curriculum will include textbooks like Das Kapital as well as locally created lesson plans that will introduce students to the dangers of the free market economy, climate change, and fraternization with anyone possessing Y chromosomes.
- Every class will begin with a reading from the Engels classic Socialism: Utopian and Scientific as well as a salute that includes the declaration “Hail Notley!”
If successful, students will benefit with a more enlightened education, say SocRez proponents, while insiders claim the program will give the NDP a greater fighting chance with the inclusion of a new impressionable demographic at the polls.
Even so, Notley has apparently told the Department of Education to tread carefully with the new plan, to avoid the perils of the federal residential school program.
“We’re familiar with the stories of abuse and the fatalities of that horrific endeavor,” said a spokesperson. “But at least those folks got an education.”