Forget about all that sissy-talk concerning benevolence and beautification that was packaged by shiny-eyed flacks when the Ice District was introduced to the city in 2016. With the Oilers now in the playoffs for the first time in more than a decade, organizers at the Katz Entertainment Group have decided to drop the gloves and show its true colours, beyond the orange and blue shades worn by the local NHL team.
Symbolic of that about-face is renaming the Ice District the Not-So-Nice District, to make Oilers fans feel more at home when they attend hockey matches, especially those during post season.
“I think it’s about time the city realizes the only way for this district thing to fly is through the pocketbooks of Oilers fans, who would gladly pay hundreds for a playoff seat,” said one twitchy-eyed Katz Group official.
“Oilers fans have no real reason to live other than to vicariously see their team do well and damage their livers in the process. And the drunker they get, the more they’ll splurge on alcohol and become a more formidable revenue injector into the area. We simply think that the name change is a way to create a more amenable environment for them to celebrate. And if we get a few street riots downtown, well, so what? It simply reinforces the tough-assed demeanor of the maverick Albertan, who doesn’t give a damn about creating havoc. Oilers fans live for this kind of vibe and we’re more than willing to facilitate that for them!”
It’s great news for Edmonton Sun hack Graham Hicks, who in a recent column praised the Katz Group for its district, which was also designed to deter homeless people and other economic undesirables from ever setting foot downtown.
“If the climate doesn’t keep those greaseballs away, I’m sure the boot marks on their faces will make it obvious that they’re not welcome here,” said Hicks, his mouth frothing over the prospects of such a confrontation.
“Who cares if the Ice District gets a little bit more nasty, as long as the name change makes the neighbourhood a perfect haven for Oilers fans to show us what this city is really made of! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to write another article sucking up to the Katz Group to guarantee my skybox seats for the playoffs.”
Naturally, Katz Group owner Darryl Katz refuses to pay for the name change and is putting the city on the hook to foot the bill. In response, Mayor Don Iveson is mulling over pulling the plug on the Edmonton Arts Council and diverting funds towards subsidizing the alterations.
“Nobody likes what the EAC does anyway, and they were only going to fund some dumbass rainbow and unicorn festival anyway,” said one Katz Group official over Iveson’s possible course of action.
“Seriously, the liberal elite running the city should realize this is a sports town, and not one that puts out faggy art.”