Peeler parlours across Edmonton are at wit’s end about what to do with a radical attraction terrorizing perverted patrons every night. It appears that the last bastion of masculine sanctity has been taken over by Sharia Law: not the extreme faction of Islam, but a stripper who answers precisely to that name.

Threatening to take stripper bar managers to the Alberta Human Rights Commission if she wasn’t hired, Sharia Law has taken to the fire poles and footlights relentlessly. Dressed in a burkka, Sharia Law never strips any further than to topless attire, with ISIS flag pasties covering her nipples. Responding to burly catcalls to “Take it all off!”, she immediately brandishes a machete partly through her act and tries to decapitate any spectator within easy reach.

In one private lap dance, one patron quickly scurried out of the VIP room backstage, claiming she yelled “Die, infidel!” while attempting to dismember him.

“We try to be as open as possible to dancers of all ethnicities, but this is getting out of hand,” complained one manager. “Attendance among men is dwindling, although we’re getting a slew of feminists showing up these days. Not that we mind that turnaround, but they’re more unruly than the guys.”

Officials from the Alberta Human Rights Commission refused to comment on the matter, claiming they haven’t received any complaints. However, a member of the Alberta Status of Women Action Committee applauded the presence of Sharia Law on the strip circuit.

“It’s about time at least one stripper has decided to rebel against this rampant display of sexism, even if she has to use a weapon as part of her act,” she declared.

“No matter how you slice it, men are nothing but pricks, anyway!”