Proof that Edmonton is still a bucolic one-horse town became more obvious when Oilers captain Connor McDavid let fly a gastro-intestinal cloud of flatulence that was nothing short of Vesuvian, claim witnesses.
The eruption took place in the Oilers locker room at Rogers Place shortly after practice on Saturday, causing a frantic scurry of media to document the incident. Journalists from outlets like TSN, 630 CHED, The Edmonton Journal, Edmonton Sun and other personnel with nothing better to report on tripped over themselves to get the inside story on what was viewed as a critical moment in the Oilers’ playoff drive. Radio and television programming around the city was pre-empted to treat obsessed Oilers fans with exclusive details of McDavid’s gaseous discharge. Only the CBC was absent from covering this major story, having devoted all resources to cover a multicultural origami workshop at La Cite Francophone.
“It just came naturally,” said McDavid in front of a massive, panoramic gallery of microphones and cameras about the bum-barking emission, which apparently shook the foundations of Rogers Place. “And if the rest of my body can perform just as naturally, things bode well for us in the playoffs.”
“He let rip a really bubbly baritone of a fart,” commented an Oilers teammate. “Only a superstar like McDavid has the sphincter muscles to pull that off!”
Within minutes of the late-breaking, wind-breaking news, excited Oilers fans with nothing else to live for piled into the streets cheering over McDavid’s flatulent feat and yelling out such priceless verbal nuggets as “Rectum? Damn near killed ’em!”
Meanwhile, hockey analysts pored over the data during live extended coverage. That included a three-dimensional replica of McDavid’s intestinal system from a colonoscopic perspective of how the gas was created and passed, while ruling out maladies like bloating and irritable bowel syndrome.
The hospitality industry got into the act, by claiming McDavid’s famous fart originated from one of the culinary creations at Edmonton’s best-known restaurants.
“That was a five-star fart and it could only have come from a five-star restaurant like ours!” said a marketing flack from Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.
“No way!” argued a publicist from Lux Steakhouse, where former Oiler Ryan Smith features his famous 94-oz. steak. “Connor knows where his loyalties lie and it could only have happened after he chowed down here!”
Meanwhile, Oilers coach Todd McLellan urged everyone to exercise caution over the Fart Frenzy. “We’re trying to win the first round of the playoffs,” he said. “Let’s hope this isn’t an omen that we’ll stink out the joint.”