Exactly one year after the Fort McMurray fire took place, confidential files from the RCMP reveal that a drunken Ku Klux Klan rally, held just southwest of the town, was responsible for what is now recognized as Canada’s greatest natural disaster.
Circumstances are foggy at best, as was the mental condition of the Klan participants, but witnesses speaking on condition of anonymity managed to explain the cause of the fire, which ravaged a tenth of the town and resulted in the evacuation of nearly 80,000 residents.
“We were going with an anti-immigration theme that night and whatever else we could dream up after guzzling a few Molsons,” said one witness.
“That’s when one of us decided to set the cross on fire. We had one guy get a jerry can full of gas from his pickup and somehow his hunting knife pierced the can. We were so hammered that by the time we poured gas on the cross, we didn’t know there was actually a trail of fuel leading into the woods. One flick of a lighter later, and kablooey!”
Once the white-sheeted reprobates staggered out of the blazing woods, they decided to pass the blame on eco-terrorists railing against oilsands development in the area. That argument was accepted by rednecks for several months until it was revealed that almost all of them were in Edmonton early to celebrate Premier and reigning NDP Socialist Poobah Rachel Notley’s first year in office two days later.
“That’s when we felt the jig was up,” commented another rally participant, adding the RCMP declined to press charges on grounds that several prominent Fort McMurray residents were part of the Klan.
“We feel bad over what happened,” recalled yet another Klansman. “But lemme tell ya, when that whole thing lit up, it sure looked pretty!”