It’s no secret that fanatics of the Edmonton Oilers are so obsessed over their local sports team that they have absolutely nothing else to live for. So when the Oil gets caught in the business end of the post-season vice, all hell breaks loose once their small-minded disciples detect even a hint of disloyalty.

Take Dilbert McDweeb, for example, who was attending a Mile Zero Dance show called “Let’s Pretend We’re Trees” downtown the same night the Oilers were losing yet another match. After the show, he and his boyfriend unwittingly chose a path home that was by Rogers Place, about the same time disgruntled fans poured out of the arena.

“We don’t follow hockey,” explained McDweeb’s boyfriend William Woodless. “So we didn’t know a game was taking place. So when Dilbert was so confused about what was going on, he turned to me and asked, ‘Who’s this David McConnor they’re talking about?’ That’s when the fans started attacking us.”

Oilers were so incensed over finding an individual who had no clue about Connor McDavid, the team’s captain and the NHL’s leading scorer during the regular season. They pounded McDweeb into oblivion and right into the emergency ward at the Royal Alexandra Hospital.

Police are no pressing charges, however. “It’s such a petty crime, considering the pride of the city is at stake,” said one officer who was at the scene. “if anything, the alleged victim actually provoked the attack by hard-working Edmontonians who paid a lot to see their favourite team lose. I have more sympathy for them, actually.”

McDweeb is recovering slowly in hospital and is getting some unique treatment, namely an IV drip containing Orange Crush.