Boomers who once ruled the planet will be facing their twilight years with targets on their back, particularly in Edmonton, if millennials have their way. The most recent census results from Statistics Canada indicate that Edmontonians 30 and under make up 30 per cent of the city’s population, 10 per cent more than citizens 50 years and older.
For millennials railing against an older generation that sought to save the world during their hippie years only to sell out during the yuppie boom of the 1980s, it’s pure karma.
“Screw the idea of having to work long hours for years to get what we want,” said one tattooed millennial. “If we can get rid of those oldsters immediately, the future is ours right now. All we gotta do is get the knives out, and voila! Instant gratification!”
“Ha, ha!” echoed another millennial showing off her latest body piercings. “The numbers are on our side now. No more being hassled for showing up for work two hours late, event though I can do everything in an hour instead of a whole day. Boomers are so slow, they’d be mistaken for human speed bumps!”
Through casual conversations with some millennials, the Dirt has managed to piece together a series of conspiracies to eliminate the old guard. These range from kids still living at home finding ways to make their parents disappear forever so that they can inherit the family property to secretly boosting morphine drips received by seniors in palliative care units. Other more tech-savvy millennials are secretly hacking into their parents’ accounts to transfer savings and cut off any health care benefits they may receive.
“It’s so easy,” said one youth on a laptop. “When your own father thinks a hashtag is a way to label cannabis, you know you’re dealing with someone who simply doesn’t get it!”
The underground chatter on social media is so explicit even the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) has gotten into the act, claiming millennials comprise a coalition of sleeper cells popping up all over the city. “It’s worse than ISIS,” commented one CSIS operative. “This is the demographic elephant in the room that we never considered before. We should have seen this coming sooner.”
“Bring it on,” said one hacker. “We can code circles around them. How are they going do catch us? With slide rules and abacuses? Give me a break!”