Two men are in critical condition in University Hospital after breaking into the Edmonton Valley Zoo Wednesday and trying to have sex with favourite attraction Lucy the Elephant.

Both men, still unidentified, suffered multiple injuries including broken bones, collapsed lungs and severe internal bleeding. Police say that after a heavy night of drinking, the duo decided to break into the zoo and have their way with the elephant, with disastrous results.

Security footage from the zoo revealed that one of them was trying to hold the elephant still while another got a stepladder, climbed the rungs and was poised to assault the understandably disturbed beast. That’s when Lucy swung her hind quarters and knocked the man off the ladder. She then swung her trunk at the skull of the other perpetrator, rendering him unconscious. With both men lying helplessly on the ground, Lucy then proceeded to stomp the hell out of them in a fit of rage.

“I know that Lucy’s getting on in years,” said one zoo official. “But I’m glad to see there’s still a lot of fight left in her.”

The men will likely face criminal charges, including breaking and entering and trying to commit an act of indecency against an animal, although one officer at the scene couldn’t refrain from commenting on the act.

“I’ve heard it’s next to impossible to get laid in this town,” he said. “But trying to commit bestiality on a zoo animal? Man, that’s desperation!”

Others were not amused, including former game show host and animal rights activist Bob Barker, who comment that the incident was the latest example of Lucy’s precarious future in Edmonton. Feminists were even more vocal.

“This is typical of the type of activity we’ve had to endure with predatory men in this city,” commented one activist. “It proves that no female is safe in Edmonton, regardless of species.”

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