On July 1, Edmontonians will celebrate Canada Day and this country’s 150th anniversary of Confederation by breaking out the red and white — as well as a few splashes of yellow.
Well, more than a few, according to the Edmonton Arts Council, which plans to stage a live replica of the famed Great Divide waterfall on the High level Bridge that evening. The organization proposes to get 150 drunken revelers to simultaneously urinate from the pedway section of the bridge into the North Saskatchewan River 50 metres below in what is hoped will be a dazzling display of waterworks.
The EAC won’t reveal the cost of the project or the name of the beer sponsor that will trigger the emissions, but claim it will be considerably less than the $2.6 million that Edmonton City Council determined would refurbish the original waterfall, which was shut down in 2014.
“It’s our version of ‘trickle-down’ economics, since this will be cheaper than the real thing,” claims one EAC spokesperson. “The plan is to have 150 folks pee from the bridge at the same time. We actually will have 1,500 volunteers taking part to lengthen the event. They’ll be ready to step in and crank out an arc when a previous volunteer eventually, uhhh…. peters out.”
While most of the participants will likely be men, the spokesperson hopes it won’t entirely be a pageantry of penises discharging fluids. Women able to excrete through the mesh fence that barricades pedestrians from a nasty fall into the river will also be invited to take part.
While environmentalists have complained about the negative effects of the effluence on the river, the EAC claims the impact will be minimal. “I mean, come on. Fish and wildlife pee in there all the time. What difference will a bunch of people make?” asked the spokesperson.
By getting 1,500 intoxicated folks involved, it is hoped that the occasion will mitigate the possibility of riots, such as the Canada Day fiasco on Whyte Avenue that took place in 2001. It is anticipated that the large number of participants imbibing enough beer to maintain the steady flow of the waterfall will be far too drunk to do anything else after.
In short, the EAC claims the idea makes sense. Said one senior EAC official, “It’s a golden occasion for our city and country. Why not celebrate it with one honking golden shower?”