An outing that featured amorous and deviant acts involving coniferous trees turned into disaster in Hawrelak Park on Saturday when several people had to be treated for splinters in their nether regions.

The incident involved members of a sex-with-vegetation group called Greenpiece, a branch of environment agency Greenpeace. The emergency ward at University Hospital reported that 23 patients suffering from wounds and infections involving splinters were all members of Greenpiece. Also reported were rashes from abrasions and even a few cases involving Canada thistle.

“I think this is taking treehugging a bit too far,” said one doctor during that shift, who admitted laughing to the point where he mishandled the tweezers on one unfortunate victim. “It’s safe to say that a few folks got a bit more wood than they bargained for.”

All patients were released the same day, except for two people. One woman will require further surgery after a delicate branch extraction went awry. One man is being kept under observation for fear of rabies, after repeated thrusts into a knothole resulted in a squirrel bite.

A Greenpiece spokesperson speaking on condition of anonymity said that injuries are common at such tree-loving events, although he didn’t expect casualties of this magnitude. “We always stress safety,” he said. “It doesn’t matter whether you’re getting it on with a human, animal, vegetable or mineral.”

Police are not pressing charges, especially since no children were involved, claiming the injuries were punishment enough.

“I’ll say this, though,” said one officer. “This is certainly a severe instance of junk in the trunk.”

 

 

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