An Islamic man’s plan to mobilize fellow terrorists went awry when police arrested him at a South Edmonton Common WalMart on Saturday. Officers suspected he was tooting “Allahu Akbar!” through a kazoo in the sporting goods section of the chain store, where axes and hunting knives are sold, and promptly snapped the cuffs on him before any fellow sleeper cell colleagues could respond.
“Whew! That was a close one!” commented one office leading the arrested man, whom they referred to as Jihadi Jerk.
The officer credits watching Fox News for the tipoff.
“You know, they kept saying that ‘Allahu Akbar’ means “Allah is greater,’ and with Sean Hannity repeating that phrase in his opinion pieces, the rhythm of those two words stuck in my mind. It instantly made sense to take him down on the spot.”
Police rejected claims that Jihadi Jerk was a performance artist hoping to attract attention by playing a kazoo of his favourite electronic dance music bass patterns to entertain onlookers.
“C’mon, anyone who believes that is a moron!” said another officer on the scene. “You know, if he was playing a classic rock riff, he may have got away with it!”